Happiness habits
MINI KRISHNAN
and
MALINI SESHADRI
|
Children resent parental control, parents deplore their child's rebelliousness. Is there a solution?
|
PHOTO: A. ROY CHOWDHURY
THE JOY OF CHILDHOOD: Don't load them with baggage.
Twenty-five years ago, when a scholarly villager in Karnataka was asked what sort of future he wanted for his young son, he replied, "I want him to spread the message of Shankaracharya throughout the world." It is safe to say that he was in a very small minority of parents. Most parents would say, "I want my son to be happy in life"; or, "All I want is my daughter's happiness."
It's time to ask another two questions.
One, when we say, "I want my child to be happy" do we really mean "I want my child to make me happy"?
Obviously there is a difference... and the difference can wreck a parent-child relationship if it is not recognised. It is precisely this difference in perception that causes the strength-sapping, emotionally charged tug-of-war between virtually every growing child and his or her parents. Parents are afraid to let children dream their dreams and set their goals, because they are haunted by their own failed dreams.
The child resents parental control and domination; the parents deplore their child's rebelliousness. It would make for greater harmony if everyone can accept that there are different routes to `happiness'. In fact, not only are the routes different, the goals are different. In other words, there are many destinations labelled `happiness'... and each person has to choose a goal and a path.
Wisdom, for parents, lies in realising this early. They need to set down their own baggage, tear up the scripts they had written in their heads for their children. Instead, they need to look, listen and learn about their child.
It does not mean that parents should just sit back and let the children do whatever they want to. This would be abrogation of the responsibility that comes with the role of parenthood. Guidance, advice, discipline... .yes, by all means. But parents should always try to remember that their child is a unique person, who will not fit into a formula, and therefore should not be forced into some ideal mould; just as teachers must realise that a classroom is never full of clones. Recipes for happiness will and should be different.
Which brings us to the second question.
The right mix?
If the recipes for happiness are different, does that mean there are no ingredients that are common to all these recipes? For instance, should anybody's recipe call for crass materialism and greed? Should happiness be measured out by the size of the pay packet or the number of jewels in the bank locker? The joy of possessing material things certainly has its place in our lives. In fact, this is probably the earliest form of `happiness' that a little child feels. But is this one-dimensional definition of happiness all we want for our children? What about the happiness that comes from giving rather than receiving? What about the happiness that comes from putting someone else before yourself, from a crisis bravely overcome in the family, from time set by to promote the welfare of weaker sections of society? Cultivating these instincts leads to inner growth, and lasting happiness can come only from such a development.
Immanuel Kant wrote: "It's one thing to be happy; it's another thing to be good." What he obviously meant was that `happiness' is a perception, a state of mind. But what is the quality of that happiness? What were the paths taken to get there? What were the means to that end? In other words, is there a sort of master list of ingredients for happiness... a list that will never go out of date? Yes, it is made up of those emotions that help us to stay mentally stable and emotionally healthy. So when a parent says, "No matter what my child does or where she is I want her to be happy," that parent should mean "I want her to have those qualities that never lose value... the qualities out of which lasting happiness can be built — restraint, compassion and honesty".
When you think of the difficulties involved in achieving most things in life, this is a relatively easy route to walk. If you can realise that your children's happiness-goals may be different from yours; and if you teach them to pack their recipes with ingredients of eternal value, you can't go wrong. Perhaps we should think about helping our children to cultivate "happiness habits".
So... what shall we tell the children about success, about happiness?
Email: minik@satyam.net.in
and
malini_seshadri@vsnl.net
Printer friendly
page
Send this article to Friends by
E-Mail
Quest
